Finding One’s Mate

Not so easy sometimes

After all is said and done much of our work is about finding something: finding peace, work, love, lost objects, pets, healing, vision, mission, career, self, True Self, the God Seed and maybe just finding a good place to eat, finding is a serious human skill.

Our attention, however, is so drawn the immense amounts of information placed, non-stop, in our thinking. One can get so involved in trying to interpret and actually use things that we forget what we are looking for.

And if we don’t look for our needs and wants, we simply won’t find them by mistake. This is about intentional finding.

Today we talk about that major human drive of Finding a Mate. In this search the quality of who we find is quite significant. Most of know how to find some love, but we don’t always find what we think we found. 

Let’s remember, though, before hearts start flying that all seeking stems from the drive to find ourselves.

The times we live has made online dating one of the ways people find their mate. Many do well and many don’t, just like before online dating, while classified ads did the work, and then before that. The search evolving online simply multiplies all the good and all the bad. Of course, we want success. The desire, the approach, the embarrassments, the seduction plays, the twin flames and the betrayal beds, too – now online – make things much faster and wider ranging than ever in human history.

So “love” is available, but why is it that highly desirable men and women continue to mate with the wrong, often negatively patterned choices? The names change but the dark side comes up the same over and over.

When that negative pattern reveals the questions come. What’s happening inside this person? Is there a history of abuse? Are there some deep issues?

The answers show us the hidden poisons of past abuses, neglect, and so forth. How many times do we see those past abuses, of sexual/emotional misconduct, ruining current relationships? 

“It’s in the past and I just have to move on.” How we wish it was that easy.

True it happened in the past and fortunately we do have many ways to heal the effect of past pain, trauma and damaged self-esteem. Consider please, that within the umbrella of healing, sex and love are the most intimate things humans do, isn’t it logical that the healing should be proportional to the poisoning, at least in intensity, if not in time duration, as well?

At a profound level, the craziness of staying with someone who’s hurting you, or cheating on you, or damaging your spirit in some way is tough to reason. Friends, family tell us; we see it in the mirror. Something wrong with that picture.

The problem is the “picture” is so damn foggy, so much confusion, contrary beliefs. Each party has its side of the story. Each sees innocence, guilt, freedom and prison in themselves or each other, and has a story to back it.

You can imagine we’ve asked at the altar a million times. The altar always seems to say:





Stop wondering, stop reaching, attacking, explaining, blaming, taking blame, making threats, speaking trash, contemplating suicide, celibacy, and the like. The only way to stop is to take a breath that says, “Stop!”


First yourself. Maybe later the other party. Right now, forgive yourself. I don’t mean like a goody, goody I-love-me-so-much thing, but in ways that eventually lead you back to feeling better about yourself.

Maybe you have a big role in this pain and something in you has to change. Maybe you you’re the victim. Maybe you think one way, but you find it’s really another way.

All kinds of truths to deal with here, but if you think it’s all your fault, healing gets much harder. And if you think you’re completely blameless, boy, have you got some surprises coming.

The power of love and sex are much bigger than us individually.  They affect every cell in our body and every aspect of our invisible selves, as well. To think that intellectual understanding is enough only reveals our blind spots.

First, sexual energy isn’t one human activity; it’s in all human activities. Every sexual experience will connect in permanence to body, mind, heart and spirit. This, once you add organs, blood, and their emotional toll we have to consider science, don’t we?

In all love conflicts other characters have input; our bodies, the cycles of life and death, the very dynamic of the world we are living in. Also, other people related to us during the romance, some of those relations are not quite done. Opens it up some more, doesn’t it?

Sisters and brothers, if we had this figured out already, the world wouldn’t be in the shape it’s in. Give yourself a break, take the breath and forgive yourself.  

I’m not sure where you stand spiritually on this, but the energy of forgiveness is most powerful indeed. We could tell you some amazing stories, but for now ponder how forgiveness relates to that marvelous ideal that only dogs seem to attain – unconditional Love.


Any change in a pattern will change the pattern.

Breath and forgiveness give you a chance both to observe yourself and deliberately change something about the pattern.  

We’re assuming here you haven’t chosen suicide or celibacy and that the drive is alive. Once you lick your wounds, you’re going back out.


Change something, any little thing about:

How you fall-in-love

How you decide to have sex

How you approach or how you want to be approached


If you’re a romantic, be less of one

If you’re not romantic, write a poem

If you never listen to your instincts, start

If you go overboard with instincts, back off

If you always sit on the right, switch left

If you were tricky-seductive, be sincere

If you wore your heart on your sleeve, put it in your breast pocket.

This is approaching the change from the details of our behavior. Good news is it’s just physics! Change the pattern, no matter how slightly, the pattern changes, and even if it doesn’t look like it right away, something is changing.

Your deliberate choice to change will affect the pattern.

The other way to change the pattern is to come from the core.

When it comes to making difficult changes to core matters, we have two general paths. First bring the deep healing, as in spiritual work like soul retrieval, limpias, counseling or discipline, definitely worth consideration.

Our other path is MAKE CEREMONY.

If you’ve tried everything already to make the changes you want and it hasn’t panned out, then please, consider ceremony.

Making ceremony has four components: the Circle, The Four Elements, the Roles and the Purpose. We’ll go deeply into these in this article and the next three. A ceremony spreads a good focus, a clear focusMaking Ceremony.

Take a breath, forgive yourself and make a change. Bring something new and better.

The essence of the art of finding lives in our acceptance of the fact that one never has all the information, it’s the nature of the beast. We know that every answer will lead to more questions and if we can find joy in that, well…

Good fortune in your search for love. If you need a hand with forgiveness, pattern-changing and ceremony, you know we’re here.



Published by Mike Callas

Michael Parra Callas authors and presents both non-fiction, aimed at better living in hard times, and fantasy, focused on magic and the imagination. El autor escribe y presenta ambos, no-ficción, para vivir mejor en tiempos difíciles, y fantasía para inspirar la imaginación.

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